Why coaching a loved one is rarely as simple as it seems

The updated ICF Code of Ethics highlights more clearly than ever how confidentiality, roles and relationships require careful attention in every coaching partnership. When the client is also part of your personal world, each of these considerations becomes significantly harder to uphold.

Every coach knows that the relationship is the container that makes coaching work. When that relationship already exists, the container is shaped long before the session begins. Even with the best intentions, it becomes challenging for both coach and loved one to maintain the openness, neutrality and freedom that underpin an effective coaching partnership.

When personal relationships spill into the coaching space

This reality has been brought home to me more than once. At different points in my coaching career, members of my extended family have reached out for my support. In one case, I referred them immediately to another coach, and the experience was invaluable. They received timely, impartial support and were able to move forward decisively in ways that my personal relationship with them might have unintentionally inhibited.

In another situation, I offered only one or two sessions, carefully limiting the engagement from the outset. Even within the first session, it became clear why that boundary was needed. Years of shared history had shaped how they saw me and what they were willing to disclose, and I found myself aware of how their decisions might affect others in the family. These dynamics reminded me how easily a coaching conversation can become entangled with long held patterns, roles and expectations, and how this can affect our ability to demonstrate the Core Competencies we practise.

Nine ICF ethical standards at risk

Coaching a loved one is not as simple as it may seem. In fact, it puts no fewer than nine ICF ethical standards at risk. These include the coach’s responsibility to:

2.1 Confidentiality

Maintain the strictest level of confidentiality with all parties involved, regardless of the role I am fulfilling.

When coaching someone you also interact with in a family or social setting, it becomes difficult to distinguish what was heard in a coaching session from what is already known informally, which can leave you second guessing what you can safely say in everyday interactions and increase the risk of unintentionally disclosing or alluding to something that emerged in the coaching space.

2.2 Information agreements

Have a clear agreement about what information is exchanged and how it is exchanged among all parties involved during all coaching engagements.

Overlapping personal and professional contexts make this far more challenging with a loved one, especially in informal family or social environments where agreed boundaries can easily blur and become difficult to maintain.

3.1 Multiple relationships and conflicts of interest

Am aware of and discuss with all involved parties the implications of having multiple agreements and relationships, and the potential for conflicts of interest.

This is essential when coaching someone with whom you already share a close relationship, yet long established relational patterns can reappear unexpectedly and complicate the coaching partnership before either of you realise what is happening.

3.2 Managing conflicts of interest

Manage conflicts of interest and potential conflicts of interest with coaching client(s) and sponsor(s) through self reflection, coaching agreement(s), and ongoing dialogue. This includes addressing organizational roles, responsibilities, relationships, records, confidentiality, and other reporting requirements.

With a loved one, navigating roles, responsibilities and confidentiality becomes a highly active and continuous process because the personal relationship continues in parallel, making boundary management far more demanding than in a standard coaching engagement.

This standard makes it clear that coaches cannot coach their romantic partner, as the emotional dynamics and inherent intimacy make maintaining a neutral and professional coaching stance virtually impossible.

3.3 Resolving conflicts of interest

Resolve any conflict of interest or potential conflict of interest by working through the issue with relevant parties, seeking professional assistance, or suspending or ending the professional relationship.

When the client is a loved one, suspending or ending the coaching relationship can strain the personal relationship and leave the coachee with a less than positive experience of coaching, making resolution emotionally and relationally complex.

3.6 Intimacy and romantic relationships

Am mindful of the level of intimacy in the coaching relationship. I do not participate in any sexual or romantic relationship with client(s) or sponsor(s). If I detect a shift in the relationship, I take appropriate action to address the issue or cancel the coaching engagement.

This standard makes it clear that coaches cannot coach their romantic partner, as the emotional dynamics and inherent intimacy make maintaining a neutral and professional coaching stance virtually impossible.

3.7 Role clarity

Understand that ICF professionals often serve in multiple professional roles based on prior training and/or experience (i.e. mentor, therapist, HR specialist, assessor), and it is my responsibility to disclose to the client when I am acting in a capacity other than the role of an ICF professional.

In a family setting, role switching happens easily and often without awareness, making it essential but difficult to recognise when you have slipped into a familiar personal role and to name it explicitly when it occurs.

4.1 Power and status differentials

Am aware of and, in partnership with my client, actively manage any power or status differential between us that may be caused by cultural, relational, psychological, or contextual issues.

Family relationships often come with deeply ingrained dynamics, and even if both people begin the conversation intending to set them aside, long standing patterns can reassert themselves instantly and undermine the equality needed for effective coaching.

4.2 Recognising limitations

Recognize my personal limitations or circumstances that may impair my coaching performance or professional commitments. I will seek support if necessary, including relevant professional guidance. This may require suspending or terminating my coaching relationship(s).

This requires a high degree of self awareness, as it means acknowledging when the existing relationship makes it impossible to coach well and being willing to take appropriate action when your capacity to coach effectively is compromised.

When love and coaching collide

Viewed together, these standards show just how many parts of the coaching agreement become vulnerable when the client is a loved one. Personal history, family roles and relational expectations can slip into the coaching space, and the coach is asked to manage confidentiality, conflicts of interest and power dynamics with exceptional care. The presence of an existing relationship places the integrity of the coaching partnership at risk and makes the work of demonstrating Core Competencies considerably more demanding.

Naturally, we want to help the people we care about. Yet the closer the relationship, the easier it becomes for boundaries to blur, for confidentiality to feel complicated and for personal roles to colour the coaching space. The updated Code of Ethics asks us to manage all of these with care, and coaching a loved one makes that responsibility significantly more demanding.

Gift Coaching: A Safe Way to Support Someone You Care About

This is exactly why ReciproCoach runs Gift Coaching rounds. They allow you to give someone you care about the opportunity to receive coaching without taking on the risk or complexity of coaching them yourself. Your loved one is coached by your assigned ReciproCoach, and in return you coach the loved one of another coach. It is also not unusual for Gift Coaching engagements to evolve into continuing paid relationships.

ReciproCoach Gift Coaching rounds happen twice a year, in December and April, with registrations for the next round closing in just a few weeks. Registrations close Sunday, 14 December.

Please ensure your chosen recipient is willing and able to participate, and understands that they will receive four sixty minute sessions in exchange for you providing four sessions to another coach’s loved one.

Overlapping personal and professional contexts make this far more challenging with a loved one, especially in informal family or social environments where agreed boundaries can easily blur and become difficult to maintain.